Post by BornSalty on Oct 7, 2019 11:26:23 GMT -7
If the review is inconsistent I am sorry, I read the whole thing only once and just some of the parts again. If something I say doesn't make sense I am sorry.
I have found one typo that isn't that relevant but whatever.
,,HEY YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO (M)E HERE:" Just a small tiny typo.
The pacing is objective, I personally did not find any part extremely boring or anything like that. I enjoy reading stuff like this. I don't get the passage
-The worker paused for a moment. "The Azinder Chemical Combine, opened on the other side of town last month."
"No, I have not."- what is Dan implying to ? It's like something is missing, or I drinked too much dumb juice this morning.
Characterization
I will not talk about Chris, Dan or Elise, they were portrayed pretty accurately. Maybe at the beginning when Dan is cooking with CREAM CHEESE, god bless him, he is lactose intolerant. I would just rewrite it to something like lactose free cream cheese.
Now what I am getting from the Ocs
- Melody
Not an assertive individual, sensitive but professional. ,,Punching bag" type of character in my opinion. She seems like Azinder's secretary type of deal.
- Azinder
He's mean at Melody 90% of time.
Azinder is kinda a douche. He doesn't mind sacrificing his employees without any hesitation. I mean the only thing that makes you feel I little empathetic for him is the part where he's looking at the framed photograph. Does he have some form of PTSD ? When he drops the phone and starts ,,shaking violently" I think it's a bit overdramatized because he knew something like this was going to happen, that's why he had that mental breakdown before. But maybe he does have some sort of trauma, previous experience with the organization or something... If he does, it is worth mentioning in some way because I am basically making this up.
background characters were good.
Funny ? Yes it was.
Overall plot was good, I really liked the ending when Dan's apartment basically burned down (it was fucking hilarious). From the beginning it felt somewhat natural, like I could see this being an actual episode. I also really enjoyed the terrorists point of view.
I have found one typo that isn't that relevant but whatever.
,,HEY YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO (M)E HERE:" Just a small tiny typo.
The pacing is objective, I personally did not find any part extremely boring or anything like that. I enjoy reading stuff like this. I don't get the passage
-The worker paused for a moment. "The Azinder Chemical Combine, opened on the other side of town last month."
"No, I have not."- what is Dan implying to ? It's like something is missing, or I drinked too much dumb juice this morning.
Characterization
I will not talk about Chris, Dan or Elise, they were portrayed pretty accurately. Maybe at the beginning when Dan is cooking with CREAM CHEESE, god bless him, he is lactose intolerant. I would just rewrite it to something like lactose free cream cheese.
Now what I am getting from the Ocs
- Melody
Not an assertive individual, sensitive but professional. ,,Punching bag" type of character in my opinion. She seems like Azinder's secretary type of deal.
- Azinder
He's mean at Melody 90% of time.
Azinder is kinda a douche. He doesn't mind sacrificing his employees without any hesitation. I mean the only thing that makes you feel I little empathetic for him is the part where he's looking at the framed photograph. Does he have some form of PTSD ? When he drops the phone and starts ,,shaking violently" I think it's a bit overdramatized because he knew something like this was going to happen, that's why he had that mental breakdown before. But maybe he does have some sort of trauma, previous experience with the organization or something... If he does, it is worth mentioning in some way because I am basically making this up.
background characters were good.
Funny ? Yes it was.
Overall plot was good, I really liked the ending when Dan's apartment basically burned down (it was fucking hilarious). From the beginning it felt somewhat natural, like I could see this being an actual episode. I also really enjoyed the terrorists point of view.