Dan Against Humanity Sept 19, 2020 17:08:29 GMT -7
Post by Captain Jerk on Sept 19, 2020 17:08:29 GMT -7
Dan Against Humanity: A Cards Against Humanity Fanfiction
"Chris, honey, did you order a package off amazon?"
"You BETTER not have been ordering explosives for Dan again!"
Elise Pearson was concerned to find a package on her doorstep one fine Saturday Morning. And not just because the last time they had gotten one from Dan it had been infested with kudzu seeds.
In her particular line of work, an out of place package could be any sort of terrible gift. A bomb, nerve gas, a tax forum, anything really.
"Well...nothing to the house, no." Chris replied with an odd emphasis, peaking into the room.
Elise turned, staring coldly at the package. On the underside, a small paper. A hand scrawled bit of writing on a Press n' Peel note, loosely attached to the bottom with cheap string.
Hmmm, too loose to be a firing cord...a circuit blocker? She pondered to herself as she slowly lifted the note to examine it, shoulders arched back ready to jump away if it detonated.
FOR DAN AND FATTY FRIEND. FROM AN OLD COMRADE. SEMPER FI.
A sigh of relief left Elise. It was just for Dan.
Oh. Fuck. It's for Dan.
Perhaps her fears of an explosion had been prematurely squelched.
Still, the wording certainly wasn't standard. Might be a Russian after all.
Dan didn't join the Russian Mafia did he?
"Chris, has Dan been-"
"CHRIS, we gotta hurry! Grab the pots and pans!"
Unfortunately, in her haste, Elise had forgotten the first rule of being acquainted with Dan.
Never, EVER, leave the door open.
"CHRIS!" Dan screeched out, shaking the still groggy man with a vigor of a man twice his size. "I'll need your finest cast iron pans, a blacksmithing hammer, mercury pesticide, 2..no no, 300 gallons of kerosene, and some butterfly nets!" He stammered out, smashing a large pot into the counter over and over again until it shattered into several large pieces.
"Dan, I'll ignore your casual vandalization of my kitchen equipment if you tell why YOUR package is in my house.
"Sorry, no time to chat!" Dan shouted as he pulled a net over his head, looking like a dollar store gladiator who's spear was a can of bugspray and who's sword was a shard of metal, cast in coy net armor and prepared to drag Chris into battle kicking and screaming. "Come Chris, we have to make haste and strike them before they can come back!"
"Ugh, for the last time Dan, there are NO fairies in the forest, those are moths!"
"That's FAERIES Chris, your lack of knowledge on such a crucial distinction both concerns and disappoints me." He looked at his friend his intense pity, blissfully unaware the feeling was more then mutual, before raising the jagged spike in the air. "Now Chris, with this mighty cold iron blade, we wield the might of death and ice, and shall slay the-"
"I'm gonna stop you right there Dan." Elise stepped in, face blasé with annoyance as Dan glanced around in confusion and anger, having been snapped from his trance. "Before you shanghai my husband away to go hunting elves and nymphs.."
"See Chris, even Elise gets it. Maybe if you read a BOOK every once in a while you'd-"
Elise finished, "And in all likelihood burned down the entirety of the Los Padres Forest in the process."
"Well" Dan chuckled, snorting a laugh. "Not the entirety."
"I just want to ask, WHY, is your package, being sent to MY home!" Elise snarled coldly as she paused, death in her eyes.
Dan frowned, eyeing the package himself. "Chris! You said you set up a PO box for my nitrate purchases so we could bypass your wife!"
"I DID, i don't know why...they..." Chris trailed off, noticing his wife a mere three feet away, eying him. "I mean, uh, DAN! What did you...do?" He grinned, hoping she bought it.
It was about as convincing as an Azeri spy in Mexico. Elise didn't even bat an eye at her husband.
"Stupid UPS." Dan mumbled to himself, fiddling with his pocket in one hand as he held his notepad with the other. "You're going on the list for that. How hard can i be to deliver a simple bottle of..." Dan paused, leaning in to read the note carefully.
To the horror of his two unwillingly compatriots, Dan let blossom a slight smile, carefreely putting the list back in his pocket as he picked up the package without a care, Elise instinctively stepping back fearing the worst.
"Chris, why didn't you tell me Ted got out of prison?"
Elise twitched, just for a moment.
"I didn't think he was getting out til 2021." Chris asked out loud, leaning in and gently picking up the tag on the side of the small package. "Oh yeah, it's him."
"How can you be so sure it's him?" Elise asked put a hand on her chin. And not a Mafia bomb waiting to take us out.
"Well, for one thing, he called me fatty friend." Chris deadpanned as he held out the tag.
"He's not wrong Chris-OW, HEY!" Dan flinched as Elise slapped him. "Oh come ON!"
"And secondly, he's the only person I know who would willingly call Dan his comrade sober."
"How surprising." Elise spoke with thick sarcasm, not surprised in the slightest.
"For once, your wife is right Chris. You really need to step up your title use game, Sir has a nice ring to it, but comrade will do nicely." He spoke with a chipper sway in his walk, blissfully unaware Elise was currently pondering if the police would ever search their basement if Dan happened to vanish. "See Chris, Ted funds his own gifts to me, unlike your gifts which I have to fund for myself."
"Wha, You use MY money to buy my presents, and you pocket half of it anyway!" Chris stuttered out, his wife simply frowning in reply.
"Exactly, I have to tap into MY Chris wallet just to buy YOU a gift, it's ridiculous!" Dan spoke with total sincerity, too distracted unspooling the string on the package to notice the blasè face on his companions.
"And he wonders why he has to go through me to get our money out." Elise sighed, shaking her head. She wasn't going to make the mistake of giving Chris access to their finances again.
"What would he send from prison anyway?" Chris paused to think, thoughts of bacon and pancakes distracting him almost instantly. Mmmm, prison bacon.
"I dunno, a shiv, a scalp?" Dan shrugged his shoulders, before resuming an attempted unboxing that more so resembled a serial killer shredding a corpse then a well planned unwrapping. "Hopefully if it's something sharp it's made of iron, I'll need all the help I can get to deal with the little 'problem' I'm having, or at the very least something with enough bang to flush those fuckers out for...good..."
Dan paused, the happiness from his expression having drained into a dissatisfied stare. Inside the box, was not a stick of dynamite nor a cold iron spear. Instead, sat a simple box of cards, a bloody thumbprint on the front, and a bold black face scrawled with four simple words.
CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY + Ted
"Get me the number of the nearest laughing academy Chris, I think Ted's been driven insane by isolation and has married this deck of cards. We've got to burn it and snap him out of it before that deck of cards becomes the next Elise and starts getting in the way of my plans."
Chris rolled his eyes "Or it could be that he wanted to send you a deck of cards as a friend. We could really use a new deck anyway after you used our last deck to kidnap that family of Gypsies."
"They're called Roma Chris, and I needed them as bait." Dan scoffed. "Madame Zelda wasn't cooperating, so I had to apply some pressure to sweeten the deal."
"...Right." Chris replied, his face flat with displeasure. That wasn't quite how he remembered it...nor was it how the news had reported it. "Well, I could always go for a game of Krazy 8's." Chris quickly slide the stack out of it's cardboard shell, a piece of paper floating to the table below, pulling out the first black card on the stack. "Huh...guess it has rules.
"WHOOO! God DAMN I love _"
"Who? Goddamn? I love...What does that mean?" Chris asked himself outloud, having just done the worst card reading since Madame Zelda's Tarot Night. Pulling out a white card in an attempt to solve his confusion, Chris's mouth seemed to move faster then his brain.
"Goddamn I love a hot passionate latino lover-WAIT NO!"
"CHRIS!" Elise turned to her husband, his words knocking her out of her Gypsy related mental distractions and starting a flash fire in her brain. "WHAT WAS THAT!?"
"Surprisingly good taste for someone of your...character." Dan mumbled out as if he was sipping a fine wine, oblivious to the fact his best friend was one wrong move away from a shalelow unmarked grave.
"Elise, I-" Chris backed away slightly, noted his wife's clenched fists. "I, I was just reading what it said, see, Whoo, goddamn, read the rules you fat idiot, I love...wait what?" Chris stopped in confusion, finally having read the scrawling on the bottom of the first card. "What kind of a game is this?"
"Hmmm" Dan picked up the forgotten cardboard box, taking a moment to note the text on the back. "Cards Against Humanity, a party game for horrible people. Hmph, sounds like your type of game Elise." He tossed the box aside, suddenly noticing the stray piece of paper.
Elise suddenly snapped out of her livid lucid state, blinking for a moment before letting out a smile. "Oh, Chris, this is Cards Against Humanity, I used to play this all the time with Tony, it's a blast!"
"Who's Tony?" Chris meekly asked, his fear of being attacked having been replaced with a fear of...being replaced.
"Oh, Antonio Sanchez, we dated before I met you, I took him to prom." Elise looked back at the deck. "Hope my dark sense of humor hasn't faded on me yet."
"And you chose CHRIS?" Dan smacked his lips, tsking in dissatisfaction. "Even for you, that's sad."
"Oh no, Tony and I haven't spoken in over a decade. Me and him ran into some...difficulties..."
"Oh" Chris breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't need ANOTHER Coby to consider...not that he was worried. "...so he moved away?"
"It's a shame Tony, I really loved you." Elise looked back down at the Spaniard on the beach next to her , pausing her digging. "I really thought we had something, I liked your style..."
Tony sat still, unmoving as if he hadn't heard a thing.
"But you just had to join the local communist party didn't you?"
The man still didn't respond, most likely on account of the fact his that his throat was slit wide open, red blood staining his entire shirt and torso. Elise sighed, hoisting the man up and leaning back.
"So long Tonio." She quietely stated, pushing the poor man into the shallow sandy grave, sea water quickly leaking in through the sides as Elise reached for her shovel yet again. "Maybe if you weren't as pink as the sand my associates would have found you favorable cover. Ah well, no use crying over spilled blood."
BZZZT. 'Rock with me, walk with me, talk to me, come fill-' Elise opening her phone, silencing the alarm in anticipation of who was calling. "Hello?"
"Sigh....No mom, I can't go with Coby to the opera, I have work tomorrow."
"Boating accident." Elise calmly stated, a cold stare behind her eyes.
"Would you two SHUT up!" Dan screeched out, prompting the two to turn and look at him. "While you two cretins scrambled over Elise's sex life, I took note of this letter Ted left for me in the box." Dan lifted it up, putting on his best fanciful face before reading the letter.
PLEASE GIVE TO DAN:
Hello, Daniel, my comrade. I am still in the brig, but hope is high. If all goes to plan I'll be out very soon.
I have crafted for you and your fatty friend, a gift. I was able to aquire a copy of CAH after spending a few days earnings of what little I make in the yard, and I have sent it to you.
It is not without modification. Most of the cards I messed with in my free time to make them more...hehehehehhehe, personal, for you and your friend.
Let his...wife, play as well, very interesting character she is. I don't believe you have any other companions of late, though if you do, send them my regards.
With loyalty and sincerity, Tedrick Parker Smith.
"See Chris, THAT'S true loyalty. Even after having spent nearly a decade suffering in a cold wet prison cell for a fire we were ALL allegedly involved in, he still writes to me."
"Yeah..." Chris spoke coldly in reply. He didn't want to think about his past actions...or arsons. "I'm not so sure about this. It's a little...much."
"Oh come on honey it'll be fun." Elise rubbed her husbands shoulders as she spoke sly and swiftly, urging him to walk forward and sit down on the chair.
"Yeah Chris, respect your revenge peers. Ted probably had to smuggle who knows what in him to get the cash for this." Dan shouted slightly, before sitting back down with a big grin, eager to play something.
"Not to mention you could use some experience some dark humor." Elise chuckled slightly. She was MORE then experienced all right. "You couldn't even get through the first "Chainsaw Slasher" film, and I want to watch the Saw marathon with someone."
Chris gulped, fear of upsetting his wife in one lobe of his brain and fear of witnessing another dismemberment scene in the other. "...Okay."
"FINALLY!" Dan shouted, tossing his arms up in furiouty. "I call dibs on dealing!"
"No Dan, NOT after what happened last time! Not in MY house!" Elise threatened, not quite raising her voice into a yell, but just enough to stir memories in Dan's brain of what the red haired woman was capable of if you got her mad.
"Fine..." He sighed, leaning back as Elise handed out white cards to everyone "But I'm drawing the first black card."