Post by mangokat on Oct 8, 2023 18:37:29 GMT -7
Chapter 1: Limp Noodle
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A Tale of Two Jerks
Chapter 1
Limp Noodle
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Dan could not believe his luck. This had to be some sort of dream.
The woman beside him had long flowing brown hair and eyes as blue as the sea. Her features were soft and delicate, and her easy smile seemed to light up the room. She was easily the most beautiful woman who had ever willingly talked to him. This instantly made Dan suspicious and he glanced around the bar looking for cameras or people laughing at him. Everything seemed normal, but Dan didn’t trust it.
“Not that I don’t appreciate the free drink, but what’s your game?” Dan demanded, grabbing up the cocktail before it could be taken back.
“Nothing, I just wanted to talk to you,” the woman replied, “You seemed interesting.”
Dan squinted up at her and didn’t buy it for an instant. “Exactly what about me is ‘interesting’?”
The woman paused and then shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know.”
“Are you from the IRS?” Dan demanded.
“No.”
“FBI?”
“No.”
“Are you a debt collector?”
The woman laughed and tossed her hair over one shoulder. “No silly, I just wanted to talk to you!”
Dan furrowed his brow in confusion. “...why?”
The woman rubbed a hand sensually up his arm and she batted her eyelashes at him. “Don’t you want to get to know me better?”
Dan knocked back his entire drink in one gulp and then did the same to hers. “I don’t believe you,” he stated, “This is some kind of scam, and I’m not falling for it. What do you want? A kidney? My liver? Whatever it is, you can’t have it!”
Dan hopped down off the stool and was about to walk away but the woman quickly caught him by the arm.
“You want me to be real with you?” she demanded.
Dan raised a brow.
“Honestly, you are the grossest creature I have ever seen. Your hair is greasy, your breath stinks, you smell like a bridge troll, and you’re shorter than a horse jockey. You also have a loud mouth, you pick your nose, and everyone in this bar hates you.”
Dan blinked and then rolled his eyes at her. “Yeah, it’s been fun,” he said sarcastically, turning to leave.
The woman quickly pulled him back. “I’m not done!” she scolded.
“Get off me!” Dan ordered, “You think that’s the first time someone has said that garbage to me? I don’t care what you-”
“See that man?” the woman interrupted, pointing across the bar.
Dan went quiet and glanced over. There was a tall and muscular older man playing pool with his friends, and Dan frowned.
“Yeah, so?”
“That’s my father,” the woman informed him, “I want to piss him off.”
Dan stared at the man and then back at the woman. “...why?”
“He cut up my gold card, and reduced my allowance to only $1000 a week. Can you imagine?! Who could ever live on that?!”
Dan doubted he had ever held a thousand dollars in his hand at any point in his life. “Yeah, poor you,” he responded.
“I know right?”
“So in other words, you want to use me to get revenge on your father? Tarnish his good name with the likes of me?”
The woman nodded. “Exactly!”
Dan thought about it for a moment and then linked his arm with hers. “As a man who enjoys a bit of good revenge, it would be my honor to help you!”
The woman giggled in pure delight, and they crossed the bar towards the door.
“Bye, daddy, I’m going home with my new boyfriend!”
The man looked up, and the absolute horror and disgust that crossed his face at the sight of Dan, made Dan bristle.
Dan winked at the older man. “Don’t wait up, I’m planning on proposing to her tonight!”
The man looked like he was about to have a heart attack, but Dan waited until they were on the street before he burst out into laughter.
“Okay, that was worth it,” he admitted.
The woman was laughing too and she took him by the hand and pulled him towards the waiting limo. “Come on, let’s really make him mad!”
Dan’s eyes widened and he felt his face flush.
“Um…um..okay…”
“This is his car, and so let’s dirty it up a little bit!”
Dan found himself being pulled into the nicest car he’d ever seen, and the woman was instantly on top of him, kissing and pulling at his pants. This was the furthest Dan had ever gotten with a girl, and he found himself panicking and not knowing what to do. The woman didn’t seem to notice and she was taking charge, pulling at his clothes like she could rip them off.
The kissing wasn’t pleasant to Dan, and he turned his face away, not understanding why people enjoyed it so much. Dan’s shirt was pulled off and suddenly the girl was rubbing her hands all over him and Dan began getting incredibly uncomfortable. The touches didn’t feel right, and Dan squirmed, not understanding why he wasn’t enjoying this. The woman was beautiful, and he knew he’d never get an opportunity like this again. Trying to ignore his discomfort, he kissed her back and began running his hands along her now naked body.
Dan found his attention focusing on her various tattoos instead of the makeout session. He stared in particular at the sexy Miss Piggy tattoo on her thigh, unable to believe someone would actually put that there on purpose. Was that done to anger her father as well?
Dan let out a gasp as his pants were suddenly yanked down and his discomfort reached all new levels. The woman’s touches felt like they lingered too long, and Dan realized he was not enjoying any of this. The wrongness he felt couldn’t be ignored, and it manifested in a very obvious way. The woman paused as she stared down at him, and then she looked up.
“What’s wrong with it?” she demanded.
Dan felt like the embarrassment was going to swallow him whole. “N-nothing!”
The woman leaned in to kiss him again, and Dan turned his face away, not wanting the touches to continue.
“What’s your problem?” the woman demanded, clearly getting frustrated, “Are you gay or something?”
“What? No!” Dan defended, “Of course not!”
“Then what’s with the limp noodle, you creep?” she demanded.
Dan felt completely humiliated, and so he did the only thing he could; he got angry.
“Maybe it’s a you problem!” he shot back, “You’re not that hot, and you suck at making out! I’ve felt more passion from leeches!”
The woman’s eyes widened, and before Dan knew it he was thrown out of the car onto the sidewalk as it peeled away down the street.
“Yeah, well, your tattoos are stupid!” he bellowed after the car.
Realizing he was sitting there pants around his ankles, Dan quickly yanked up his pants before he got another charge of indecent exposure. Seeing several people staring at him, Dan yelled at them to mind their own business and then stormed away, knowing he could never show his face at that bar ever again.
Dan knew he was too buzzed to be driving and so he walked the long trek back to his apartment. In a considerably bad mood, he opened his apartment door wishing he knew who that woman was. He wanted to add her name to his list, but he hadn’t even thought to ask at the time. Flicking on the light, he reached down and scooped Mr. Mumbles into his arms as she ran up to greet him. Hugging the cat as he approached the kitchen, he knew she was probably hungry.
“You want some food?” Dan asked, setting her down on the counter.
Mr. Mumbles meowed in confirmation and watched him intently as he fumbled to open a can of catfood. Dan’s stomach chose that moment to growl, but he knew there was nothing in his cupboards for him. Money was extremely tight at the moment and he had eaten his last can of spaghettios that morning. He only had two more cans of food for Mr. Mumbles but hopefully he’d be able to scrape up some cash in the morning. For right now, he just wanted to pretend this night never happened.
Setting the food in front of Mr. Mumbles, Dan crossed the room and flopped down onto the couch. He turned on the tv and then idly flipped through several stations before settling on some sort of corny horror movie. Although he was staring at the screen, Dan’s mind couldn’t seem to concentrate on the movie and was instead replaying that night over and over again.
Dan couldn’t understand what had gone wrong. The woman had been gorgeous and willing, but he’d messed everything up. Why couldn’t he seem to respond to her? Why did it feel so wrong? As Dan thought about the woman’s touches, he felt himself shudder and he rubbed his arms as if to wipe away the feeling. Maybe he wasn’t into brunettes?
Dan was angry at himself over what happened, and he wished he knew what went wrong. He’d almost lost his virginity, but as always the world was against him.
Throwing the remote across the room as hard as he could, it shattered his tv screen and he let out a loud curse.
“Ughhhh!”
No longer having anything to do, Dan decided to just go to bed before he broke anything else. Kicking off his boots and then his pants, he then left the living room and headed to his bedroom.
Crawling into bed, Dan turned out the light and then picked up his cellphone to look at the time. The phone had been a birthday present from Chris, and Dan was extremely careful with it, knowing he’d never be able to afford one on his own. It was a little after 2am, and Dan wondered what Chris was doing at the moment. The other man had declined the invitation to go out drinking, and had instead taken Elise out on a romantic date.
Dan had done everything he could to dissuade him, but had given up after Elise punched him hard in the gut. Dan knew better than to push Elise too far, and so he’d been forced to retreat with his tail between his legs.
“They must be back by now,” Dan reasoned, dialing Chris’ number, “Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up!”
“...hello?” came a very sleepy sounding voice.
“Chris, I need your help, it’s an emergency!”
There was a lengthy pause on the other end of the line before Chris finally responded. “Dan, it’s the middle of the night. Elise said you need to learn boundaries. I’m not helping you with any schemes, and I’m not getting dressed. Go to bed, and call me back in the morning!”
“Wait, don’t you dare tell me to-”
Dan cut off as the call ended.
“He hung up on me!” he cried out in disbelief, “That jerk hung up on me!”
Tempted to add Chris to the list, Dan resisted and instead set the phone aside. Letting out a deep sigh, Dan reached down to pet Mr. Mumbles as the cat cuddled against him purring.
“Well, at least you didn’t abandon me,” Dan commented.
Despite it being late, and Dan feeling tired, he couldn’t sleep and he ended up tossing and turning for hours. His mind wouldn’t let him forget what had happened, and it felt like a living nightmare. What if that woman told everyone else what had happened? What if people Dan knew found out? He would never be able to live that down!
When the sun rose, Dan finally gave up on sleep and got up, intent on distracting himself from last night. He was feeling incredibly hungry and knew his first order of business had to be obtaining breakfast. Not even bothering to check his fridge or cupboards, he grabbed his pants from the night before and slipped them on. If he timed this right, he’d be able to mooch breakfast off Chris and hopefully eat enough to last the day.
Petting Mr. Mumbles goodbye, Dan left his apartment and then began the long walk back to the bar to collect his car. Surprisingly enough the car was where he left it, and it didn’t seem like anyone had messed with it. Getting in, he stuck his key in the ignition and turned it. The car immediately began beeping at him to let him know his gas was low, and he scowled at the gauge. That was yet another thing he needed money for. He needed rent money, grocery money, gas money and bill money but he was completely broke. He needed some way to get a lot of cash fast, but wasn’t sure how that was even possible. A little voice in the back of his mind said ‘get a job’ but he quickly squashed that down as preposterous. He needed a better way of getting money, and so what he needed was a scheme.
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Dan wolfed down his fourth pancake with gusto and Elise shot him a disgusted look.
“Do you have to eat like an animal?” she demanded, “You’re making a mess.”
Dan shot her a glare, and then while making direct eye-contact, he grabbed a handful of sticky pancake with his bare hand and stuffed it into his mouth. Elise looked exasperated but she didn’t comment further.
“You want another, Dan?” Chris called over from the stove.
“Yes,” Dan answered immediately, holding out his plate.
Chris dropped a pancake onto Dan’s plate and then he sat down at the table with his own stack.
“So what was the emergency you called about last night?” Chris demanded.
Dan swallowed a mouthful of pancake and shrugged, no longer wanting to talk about it. “I don’t remember.”
“See? This is what I mean!” Elise commented, “You need to learn boundaries, Dan, and you can’t keep showing up unannounced anytime you want! You woke us up in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason!”
“Chris, your female is flapping its mouth again. You should probably get that thing under control.”
Elise let out a sound of pure rage and before Chris could stop her, she grabbed Dan up by the front of the shirt and began dragging him towards the door.
“I’m not done eating!” Dan protested, struggling to break her hold, “Stop it! CHRIS!”
Elise tossed him outside and Dan landed in a heap in the bushes.
“Ow, ow, thorns!” Dan yelped out, rolling awkwardly out of the rose bush.
“Go home, Dan, before I do something you’ll regret!”
“Don’t you mean ‘we’ll regret’?”
“I know what I said!” Elise answered, slamming the door closed.
Dan laid there on the walkway for a few moments, but Chris didn’t open the door to help him.
“Fine! I hate you all!” Dan screamed, getting back to his feet, “I hope you choke on those pancakes!”
Stomping back to his car, he felt like the whole world was against him, and he really wanted to hit something. Resisting the urge to dent his car, he got in and then pulled his notepad out of his pocket. Flipping through and finding Elise’s name, he underlined it several times and then put stars above it. He really needed to get his revenge against her one of these days.
Dan drove back towards uptown, knowing he now needed to get his hands on some cash.
His first stop was the wishing fountain where he scooped as many coins out as he could before finally being chased by security. He now had $23 in loose change and so he considered how he could increase that. Stopping at the dollar store, he bought as many cheap chocolate bars as he could and then stood outside of a supermarket.
“Buy a candy bar and feed an orphan!” Dan called out to passersby, “Think of the poor orphans! You can save a life! Save an orphan for only $3!”
Dan was able to sell half of the chocolate bars before being chased, and he was able to sell the rest by standing in front of the sporting goods store. He now had a little over $75 but it wasn’t even a fraction of what he needed. Knowing the only way he was going to earn enough to pay his rent, Dan knew he was going to have to grift someone. Knowing just the place, Dan headed towards a very seedy restaurant a few blocks over.
The moment he walked in, the waitress let out a sigh of annoyance and immediately pointed to a nearby sign. Dan turned and saw his own picture on the wall of him stealing a sandwich with the word banned written below it.
“Oh come on, it was just one little sandwich!” Dan protested, “And it wasn’t even that good!”
“Out!” the waitress ordered, “You are no longer allowed to order here!”
Dan gave her a toothy smile and then took a few steps forward. “Well, that’s great because I’m not here to order anything!”
The waitress narrowed her eyes at him.
“I just wanted access to the backroom, if you please!”
The waitress crossed her arms. “Stanley told me not to let you back there anymore after last time.”
“Last time was just a simple misunderstanding,” Dan assured her, “I wasn’t cheating, I swear!”
“Uh huh,” she replied skeptically, “Stanley found five aces and a stack of 100-chips in your pockets last time.”
“...I was holding them for a friend?”
“Get lost,” the waitress ordered, turning away from him, “Don’t make me call for Stanley.”
Dan shuddered, remembering the horrible beating he’d gotten from Stanley when he’d been caught cheating. He’d been bed-bound for over a week with his injuries and it was not something he ever wanted to experience again.
“Oh come on,” Dan begged, “Just let me play a few games and then I’ll leave. I promise I won’t cause any problems this time.”
“STANLEY!” the waitress suddenly bellowed.
“Uh oh,” Dan yelped, running for the door as fast as he could.
Dan kept running until he was out of breath, and when he stopped to gasp and wheeze against a nearby building, something unexpected caught his eye. Down the street he could see a very familiar man helping an old woman cross the road, a man who looked suspiciously like himself.
“The Imposter!” Dan cried out in surprise, “What’s he doing here?!”
It had been months since he’d seen or heard from the Imposter and he’d assumed the other man had left town. Dan glared at him hatefully, and he found himself sneaking closer. The Imposter clearly had no idea Dan was there and was chatting amiably with the old woman for a few minutes before he waved goodbye and headed down the street. Dan began following after him, his money plight long forgotten.
The Imposter seemed to be in a really good mood and was smiling and whistling quietly to himself as he walked. He stopped to smell the flowers from a nearby stall and then helped the vendor cut and wrap a few bouquets.
“Disgusting degenerate,” Dan muttered, “Ugh, just look at him!”
The Imposter continued his walk and Dan followed, knowing he had to be up to something. Was he planning on stealing his identity again? Planning on calling him 500 times a night again? Whatever it was, Dan wasn’t going to let him get away with it. To Dan’s surprise, the Imposter entered a bank and so he quickly followed him in, wondering if he was going to rob it.
Hiding behind a potted plant, Dan watched as the Imposter took his wallet out of his pocket and removed a debit card.
“He has a bank account?!” Dan muttered to himself, “Of course that psycho supports banks and all their stupid fees!”
Dan leaned through the plant and watched as the Imposter punched in his pin number and then withdrew $40. The fact the Imposter had money he could just withdraw whenever he wanted really annoyed Dan who had never had more than a few dollars in his bank account in his life. The fact the Imposter seemed to be doing well for himself really annoyed Dan, and he suddenly got a devious and very delicious idea. The Imposter had stolen HIS identity and so why couldn’t Dan do the same to him? Dan would ruin the Imposter’s life and get his sweet sweet revenge! Tossing a whole handful of deposit envelopes directly behind the other man, Dan ducked back and simply waited.
The Imposter had finished at the atm and turned away to leave but caught sight of the mess.
“Did I do that?” he wondered to himself, bending over to pick up the envelopes, “Clumsy me.”
Dan used that opportunity to reach out and very carefully pickpocketed the Imposter’s wallet. He hid until the other man left the bank and then stood up, feeling triumph.
“Let’s see how he likes living in poverty instead!” Dan said with a grin, “Now let’s see what this guy is worth.”
Sticking the card into the machine, Dan typed the pin number in and then waited. To his surprise the balance was a little over $2000 and without hesitation, he requested to withdraw it all. He waited nervously as the ATM made a series of whirring noises and a few seconds later, the cash was dispensed. Unable to believe his luck, Dan looked one way and then the other before he pocketed the wad of cash. Quickly fleeing the bank, Dan ran for it back towards his car, knowing the Imposter would likely realize his wallet was gone any minute now.
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The Imposter did indeed realize his wallet was gone when he was only a block from the bank and so he quickly turned to head back. Re-entering the bank, he glanced around but didn’t see his wallet anywhere on the floor like expected. Approaching the nearby teller, he gave her his most charming smile.
“Can I help you?” she asked in a bored tone.
“Hello, Ingrid,” he greeted, “I was here just a few minutes ago and I think I may have dropped my wallet. Did anyone turn it in?”
“Nope, sorry,” she replied, barely even sparing him a glance.
The Imposter’s smile faltered a bit.
“Oh shoot, I guess that means I’ll need to cancel all my cards,” he stated, “Is that something you can help me with?”
“Swipe your card on the reader to confirm your identity.”
“I don’t have my card, it was inside the wallet that was stolen,” the Imposter replied.
“Picture I.D and social security?”
The Imposter was trying very hard not to show his frustration. “Everything was inside the stolen wallet,” he told her, “I have absolutely nothing. Can’t you pull up my account another way?”
The teller let out a deep sigh as she rolled her eyes.
“Name, and address?”
The Imposter told her, and without a word she typed for a few moments.
“Can I get you to confirm the last activity on your account?”
“I withdrew $40 from the ATM just over there,” he answered, pointing.
“Nope, there was another transaction after that.”
The Imposter shook his head. “No, that’s impossible! I just withdrew $40 like five minutes ago! I haven’t used my card for anything else?”
“You’re telling me you didn’t just withdraw $2000 a few minutes ago?” the teller asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow at him.
“It’s theft!” the Imposter insisted, “I never authorized that! Someone stole that money!”
The teller let out a deep sigh and gave him a bored look. “Sir, do you realize that everytime you use one of our machines, it takes a picture of you?”
“Then you can see who stole my money?”
“Yes Sir,” she answered.
“Then what are you going to do about it?” he demanded.
“Nothing,” she replied, turning her screen around, “It was you who withdrew the money.”
The Imposter stared at the face on the screen and his eyes narrowed into angry slits.
“Dan!”
The Imposter gritted his teeth and then turned away from the teller. If this was how Dan wanted to play, then so be it.
Their feud was back on.
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TBC