My Various Old abandoned danfics, mostly too serious
Jun 22, 2019 23:19:58 GMT -7
ragemachine, GrampaFuddy, and 1 more like this
Post by Captain Jerk on Jun 22, 2019 23:19:58 GMT -7
(WARNING: MAY NOT DISPLAY CORRECTLY ON MOBILE)
My first attempt at a proper Dan fic since 2015. This is actually a remake of a short 1200 word Dan fic I wrote in 2015 under the same name, although that version was not NEARLY as good though. Hope this is okay, I'm alittle out of practice. Glad to be the first to write a fanfic for the site though(The LOSE one was a repost, didn't count). So, with that down, please enjoy.
Dan is in his room, wearing a chef hat, attempting to make breakfast. A large oozey mass appears to be on his stove.
Dan examined his cook book closely. "Hmm, 'Use two cups ricotta cheese, one cup...Ugh, ricotta cheese!?! Who does it think I am, a
Rockefeller?" Dan yelled to himself about his lack of quality ingredients. "Eh, I'm sure cream cheese will work. Ok, next, 'One cup anchovy
extra-WHAT EVEN IS THAT, ach-, COUGH, COUGH, CO-CO COUGH!" Dan's rambling was cut off by a sudden violent coughing fit.
"What the- cough cough - what is this?" Dan said, fumbling to open the door. Stumbling outside, he quickly saw the source of the problem.\
A large truck, spraying pesticide on one of the few real trees in the area, creating a large cloud.
"EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT YOU'RE RUINING MY BREAKFAST!" Dan screamed, quickly stumbling down the stairs.
The worker turned to the noise, noticing Dan. "Oh, hello sir. Bet you're glad we can finally spray this area huh?"
Dan leaned towards him. "NO, I am NOT glad. 6 years of living here in peace, and NOW you decide to pollute the air?"
The worker smiled. "Yeah, budget didn't allow us to spray in, uh, low value areas, since we had to ship em in from Bernadino, but with, the
uhh, new factory, we can spray here now." He said, as he returned to spraying.
"Three things. First, there's like, THREE trees here. Two, what do you mean LOW VALUE? ARE YOU INSULTING ME CASA!?!?"
"No sir I am not." The worker mumbled before spraying.
"And third......what new factory?"
The worker paused for a moment. "The Azinder Chemical Combine, opened on the other side of town last month. Real cheap pesticide."
Dan stammered. "I don't CARE how cheap they are, tell them to stop spraying near my house, or else!"
The worker shrugged. "Sorry, not much I can do sir." before getting in his truck to leave. As he did so, he accidentally rammed into Dan's
Car, knocking off the bumper.
"NO, MY CAR!" Dan shouted at the sky as the sprayer drove off. Walking to his car, he observed the broken bumper, and seithed with rage.
"Grrrr..........FACTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
DAN VS. THE FACTORY!
Chris and Elise are chatting.
"I just feel like meatloaf has a certain, appeal to it that burgers just can't ma-"
"CHRRRRIIIIIIIIIS! I HAVE BEEN WRONGED!"
Chris sighed, looking out the window. Dan was shouting and screaming.
"Oh boy, what is it this time." Chris sighed, getting off the couch. Quickly turning back to Elise though, he briefly spoke "I meant what
I said, meatloaf is unmatched, I-"
"CHRIS! COME ON!"
"-I gotta go Elise. Sorry."
As Chris walked away, Elises watch suddenly beeped.
"Whew, didn't think he would leave. Dancing Shadow, we've noticed some odd trucks coming out of the Azinder Chemical Plant" said the voice
on the watch. "We need you to investigate this potential threat. Use force if required, but keep stealthy, we don't want excess attention."
"Rodger, I can get in." Elise replied, quickly exiting out the back, pausing for a sec. "Wait, how did you know the exact second my husband
left the room?"
"........Classified."
"What is it this time Dan?" Chris said, slightly dispossessed. "We are going to DESTROY Azinder Chemical Combine. They're polluting the air
and ruining my breakfast. Also they damaged my car."
"Dan, they're going to bring new jobs, new employment, look at the recession we're in, we NEED the jobs. You have to admit, this area's
seen better times."
As Chris says this, they drive past an abandoned building. Several gangs are having a shootout, and a man is selling crack in an alley.
"I will admit, there may have been a slight decline in living quality." Dan grumbled. "BUT WHO'S FAULT DO YOU THINK THAT IS? THEIRS!"
Dan screamed, waving his fingers at the chimneys of the plant. "Every was fine yesterday Chris, and look at them! So smug, sitting in their
offices, stroking their cats, sipping their drinks, probably plotting schemes as we speak!"
"Mayyybeee.....Or maybe, they're just like most companies, trying to earn a profit." Chris replied, with a sarcastic tone.
Dan grumbled. "Yeah, suuuuuurre."
As they pulled up to the gate, Dan rolled down the window. A man, wearing a plant uniform, sat at the gate, waving.
"Welcome to Azinder Chemical Combine, do you have a permit to enter the production bay?"
"No, and I won't, because there WON'T BE A PRODUCTION BAY, WHEN I FINISH GETTING MY SWEET VENGEANCE ON YOUR CROOKED CORPORATION!!!"
The man blinked, twitched, and quickly grabbed a walkie talkie.
"SECURITY, WE GOT A SABOTEUR IN SECTOR 12! CODE JERK!"
Dan jumped at the man, striking his head on the glass(cracking it slightly) "ARRGGGH! CHRIS, DESTROY THIS PEON! QUICKLY!"
Chris sighed. "Dan, I'm not going to assault an innocent guard, not again. What will Elise-"
"FORGOT ABOUT THAT BROAD!" Dan screamed, as a security force approached. "HE'S NOT INNOCENT, HE'S IN ON IT, WE HAVE TO STOP THEM, WE-AGH!"
Dan stopped, as the guard tazed him. "I'm not with him." Chris quickly stammered out. The security force, satisfied, walked off.
Stumbling to his feet, Dan screamed. "I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET, AZINDER! NOT YET!"
Elise drove up to the facility. Approaching the gate, the man(quickly checking to make sure she wasn't Dan) waved her down.
"Welcome to Azinder Chemical Combine, do you-"
"Skip the speech small fry." Elise shouted, shoving her security card in his face.
Looking at the odd card, the guard scoffed."Yeah, sure, there's no way this-" TWING. The card checked turned green, indicating it was valid,
and she was free to go in. ".....huh." He mumbled in disbelief. "Well, go in I guess Ms." Elise yanked the card out of his hands, before
smugly replying. "Gee, thaaaannks." And then driving in.
"Thank you universal key card." Elise whispered to herself, before turning a corner.
Dan and Chris are on a nearby road, Dan is staring out the window.
"Watch for weaknesses Chris. They obviously have their finest at the gate so we'll have to find another way in."
Chris looked toward the huge compound. "I dunno Dan..." Chris stated, pausing for a second to think. "Wait, if they just opened, the fence
is probably brand new, there wouldn't be any holes."
Dan stammered. "Grrr, I HATE IT when you make sense. They've thought of everything, those, those pathetic pesticide prowlers! But, you know
what they say, the newer they are, the harder they fall."
"I don't think that's a saying Dan." Chris said monotonely.
"Grr....stupid. Anyway, this looks like a good spot,. ram the car into the fence here, then get out and light something on fire."
Chris froze in shock, before quickly looking over to Dan. "Dan, I didn't agree to smash through the fence, I just got this car fixed."
Dan groaned. "Ugh, that's what you ALWAYS say. And you shouldn't have damaged your car in the first place."
"That was YOU Dan!"
"Details, details, all mere speculation." Dan replied, a dismissive tone in his voice.
Chris looked forward. "Plus that's an electric fence, I don't want to get electrocuted Dan."
Sighing, Dan replied "Oh please, you're well insulated, at worst your heart will stop, and, let's be honest, that was going to happen sooner
or later anyway with the amount of bacon you shove in your face, so when you think about it, really you're just going to-"
"I am NOT getting electrocuted Dan." Chris said sternly, before putting his eyes back on the road.
Dan growled loudly, appearing as though he was about to attack Chris, before suddenly calming down.
"Fine. I got a better idea. Take me to your house."
Chris, confused as to the intent, asked "Why, exactly?"
"I need your bed sheets."
Elise, now in the outer vehicles area near the production bay, was attempting to find evidence of suspicious practice.
Pulling up her watch, she contacted her supervisor.
"This is Agent Dancing Shadow, the loading bay looks clear, nothing in the trucks is off, entering the production bay now."
"Copy Dancing Shadow, and remember, avoid unnecessary attention.
Elise stood to the side of the door, preparing to enter. Stepping in, she suddenly found herself surrounded by dozens of workers.
"Hey, I don't recognize you, you new here?"
Elise quickly replied. "YES, YES, I am new here, yes." Several of the other workers chuckled. "Come on new girl, orientation is this way."
"I uh, but I-" Elise sighed. This wasn't going to be as easy as she thought
"Why exactly do you need our bed sheets Dan. Elise will kill me if we get them dirty."
Dan struggles to pull the sheets off the bed, turning towards Chris "It's for a good cause. We need disguises!"
Chris laughed. "So, we're going to use my sheets. What, are we going to be the ghosts of Christmas past and future."
"Close, but no." Dan said, pulling out Scissors and cutting into the sheets.
Chris's eyes bulged, and he quickly jumped at Dan. "DAN, NO! Elise will kill me!"
"GET YOUR MEATY HANDS OFF ME, IT'S OUR DISGUISE!" Dan shouted as he struggled, tossing Chris to his side. "You can always buy new sheets,
now let me work, and prepare to be amazed.
30 MINUTES LATER
Dan is wearing his cobbled together outfit. The sleeves appear detached, the hat is only half done, obvious stich marks are everywhere,
and the entire thing is covered in staples.
"There, this should fool them."
Chris looked at the disguise, a slight grimace in his face from the loss of the sheets. "I'm not sure if that's going to hold."
Dan smirked, waving his hand at Chris. "Pssh, this stapling is second to-" suddenly, several staples popped off, all the stiches ripped,
and the outfit fell into pieces. "-none..." Dan said with a slight hint of discontent, pausing. "Well, that's what I get for trusting my
grandma's knitting lessions. What a jerk. Alright Chris, Plan-B, get your mugging shoes on."
"Oh boy" Chris stammered as he followed Dan out the door.
Elise sighed. She had been in orientation for nearly an hour. And a moment to slip away hadn't yet appeared.
"-And so, new recruits, that concludes-"
Elise gasped, finally ready to leave.
"-the first half of our orientation."
Groaning in disappointment, she looked at the door. Two workers blocked it. She could take them out easy, but there were too many witnesses.
Looking to her left, her face turned. Didn't she know that guy?
"Hey, don't I know you? Didn't you use to be a paramedic?"
The man sighed. "I was...until the..incident."
Elise paused. "What incide-"
"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT."
Elise put her face in her hands, groaning. She REALLY had to ask her boss about a vacation.
Two employees walked out of the factory bay. One short, one tall.
"I swear, one of these days you're going to have a coffee overdose Bayer."
"Screw you Vlad, atleast I actually work. Meanwhile, you're stuffing your face with donAHHHH!!!"
Suddenly, the two men were pulled into an alley. A few seconds later, Dan and Chris emerge, wearing their uniforms.
Knocking the dirt off his shirt, Dan looked to Chris. "Well, that went easier then expected. You've gotten much better at mugging over the
years."
Chris looked back at the unconscious man. "I'm not sure I want to get good at mugging." Dan waved his hand at Chris. "Oh please, it comes
naturally after the first few months. And look on the plus side, we got their ID cards, we can get in."
The guard, busy reading his paper, briefly looked up. Two workers, one short, one tall. Must be Vladislav and Bayer, back with Coffee and
Donuts, he thought to himself, before resuming his paper.
"Back already boys?" he asked, flipping the page. Chris, sweating nervously, quick replied, "Oh yes, we're back, indeed, us, normal."
"Hehehe, okay boys." the guard said, more interested in his paper then them. They both quickly checked their cards, and the guard opened
the gate, failing to look at their faces.
Dan and Chris continued forward, until Dan suddenly pulls Chris behind a corner. "They bought it. Ok, now, we get REVENGE!"
Finally, after two hours, Elise had finally gotten a chance to slip out when the two workers blocking the door had gone for a coffee break.
Quickly slipping into the production bay, she looked around. Everything seemed in order. Pipes carried in the intermediates from the back,
a large mixing tank in the centre, a large group of workers tending to things, and a conveyor belt carrying finished containers of pesticide
towards the loading bay. Nothing overly suspicious.
Using her universal card, Elise went into the back area, where the raw materials were held. Large tanks of Chlorine, Ammonia, and Phosgene
were visable. Examining more closely, however, Elise noticed a set of pipes that, instead of going into the production bay, appeared to go
downstairs.
"Well well well, what do we have here." Elise began checking a series of doors nearby, marked "Executives Only" until, at last, one of them
revealed a staircase.
"Jackpot." Elise whispered to herself as she descended.
Just as Elise left, Dan and Chris entered the back area.
"Jackpot." Dan said, staring at all the tanks. "This is where they keep the good stuff, we ruin the batch, their sales will plummet, they go
out of business, no more pesticide outside my house."
"I'm not sure if this is safe. The tank says "DO NOT MIX WITH WATER, MAY CAUSE RUNAWAY REACTION", and It's in yellow." Chris said, pointing
to the large yellow warning sign.
Dan scoffed, "Oh please that's just for the workers, all legal mumbo jumbo. Now, please hand me my pipe wrench."
"I didn't bring a pipe wrench."
Dan leaned forward. "What do you MEAN you didn't bring a pipe wrench? WHO DOESN'T BRING A PIPE WRENCH TO A CHEMICAL PLANT?" Shoving his hand
down his face, he sighed. "Fine, guard the tanks, I'll get one myself.
Moving down the stairwell, Elise turned a corner, only to(quite literally) bump into a guard.
In shock at her appearence, he quickly pulled out his pistol. "HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ME HERE!:
Before he could fire, Elise ducked down, delivering a side kick that sent the guard rolling down the stairs. "OW, OH, OOCH, OW, MY LEG, AH!"
As he rolled to the bottom of the stairs, knocked out, Elise smiled.
"Still got it." she said to herself, as she quietly open the door to peak into the underground room.
Elise gasped at what she saw. The pipes lead into a large pressing machine, out of which came several artillery shells. A small group of
workers, dressed in black garb and armed with rifles, stuck tips on the shells, as they moved towards a large truck. There appeared to be
a tunnel for the truck to use.
This wasn't mere tax evasion. This was a covert chemical weapons plant.
Deploying a listening device and setting it to record, Elise quickly picked up their radio frequency, listening in to the conversation.
"We got an order, 1000 phosgene shells heading to Syria."
"Some rich guy on the line wants sarin."
"How is our Russian friend doing, Mr. Azinder?"
Having heard enough, Elise pulled out her watch to contact eagles nest.
"Eagles Nest, this is Dancing Shadow. I've got a confirmed CW plant here, sending the info your way."
"Copy Dancing Shadow, we're sending in a Special Ops team to deal with it. Exit the facility at once."
"Rodger that, Dancing Shadow out."
Unfortunately, one of the workers nearby had a keen ear, and saw the door ajar. Pulling it open, he exposed Elises location.
"HEY, SOMEONES IN HERE!"
Suddenly, every other Black Garb worker turned, and pulled out their rifles.
"WE GOT AN INTRUDER, SECTOR 1-ALPHA!"
"DON'T LET HER ESCAPE"
Suddenly, a dozen sniper dots were on Elise's face.
"Crap." She said to herself, knowing this wasn't going to be clean, or quiet.
Dan moved from pipe to pipe, messing with various valves. Having finally found a monkey wrench, he began his master plan.
Chris, looking at all the pipes, had a look of concern on his face. "You DO know what you're doing, right Dan?"
Dan scoffed, as his hooked up a fire house to one of the valves. "Of COURSE I do. We're ruining all their precious, precious chemicals, so
they stop spraying them, and stop ruining my car. Everyone wins." Dan said, before lighting a waste paper basket on fire.
Chris, jittering his fingers, stuttered out "I, I know that part Dan, I mean, are you sure you're not going to blow us up, or turn us into
mutants or something."
Dan sighed nonchalantly. "Eh, probably not, I took a chemistry class in high school, ya know?"
Chris gave a brief sigh of relief, before Dan continued "Heh, I still remember burning it down."
"YOU WHAT?"
"Don't worry, I didn't pay attention to anything that didn't involve explosions."
"Then how do you know what you're doing right now."
Dan, getting angry, retorted "I fail to see how that has anything to do with the current situation. All I'm trying to do is preform a little
sabotage, and here you are, critiquing my education. You should really be less judgemental to others."
"I WASN'T....ugh...okay Dan." Chris said, giving up on the argument.
The two stood there for several seconds, waiting for something to happen.
"So....Chris, what are you having for dinner tonight?"
Chris turned to Dan. "Well, I wanted meatloaf, but Elise says I need variety."
"That's why I told you to dump her, but you didn't lis-"
RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE.
The chemical tank next to them began to shake violently. Dan and Chris began to slowly walk back.
"Uh oh....I MAY have screwed up my math."
"We should run." Chris said in fear as he backed away.
"YA THINK!?!" Dan responded, already having turn and ran. Chris quickly followed behind him.
SNAP.
The neck of the last guard was quickly snapped.
Taking out a room of armed workers wasn't quite as easy as she had thought, but she had managed.
"Now then, to deal with Mr. Azinder." Elise said to herself, walking to a nearby elevator(pushing a few corpses out of the way as she went)
and, using her universal card, setting the elevator to go to the top floor, Azinder's Penthouse.
PING The elevator door opened, and, stepping inside, Elise waited.
Reaching the top, she entered the board room.
Azinder sat alone in his chair, watching the monitors to the secret lab. Slowly turning his chair around, and taking a sip from his glass
of absinthe, he calmly spoke. "So, I assume the governments sent you to shut down my little operation, that right?" he said, before downing
his drink.
Elise smirked. "You're going to have a fun stay in Guantanamo Bay. I suggest you pray for mercy."
"Heheheha, I beg to differ." he spoke coldly, before a large group of guards burst in. "Rule #1. I ALWAYS have a backup plan." he shouted
with pride, grabbing another bottle.
Elise simply smiled. "So do I."
Suddenly, the rattling of helicopter blades could be heard. Several Special OPs soldiers burst through the large window. A
"NOBODY MOVE!"
"HANDS IN THE AIR"
A fury of bullets from both sides rang out, until all of Azinders guard was dead.
Two of the soldiers grabbed Azinder, before rappling out the window, and back into the helicopter.
Another one approached Elise. "Dancing Shadow, good job. This-"
RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE.
A large rumbling shook the area.
Elises pupils shrunk. "Oh No." she quickly shoved the solider away before moving towards the window and climbing into the helicopter.
"THE PLACE IS GOING TO BLOW, EVERYONE MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!!!!"
Dan and Chris had finally cleared the gate, passing the gate guard(still too ingrossed in his newspaper to hear the alarms) and hopping into
Chris's car, and driving away.
Chris, hunched over and trying to drive, spoke to Dan. "Well, now, we're domestic TERRORISTS. Happy Dan?"
He scoffed. "Oh please, one leaky tank does not a terrorist make."
Just as he said that, a series of large explosions rocked the combine. Turning back to look, the duo watched as the chimney collapsed, the
main building burst into flames in a series of chain explosions, and several huge plumes of green and purple gas rose from the area.
"Hmm, that might though" Dan stated monotonely, as they slowly drove away.
Having been dropped off by Chris, Dan slowly walked towards his apartment.
"Finally, I can sleep in peace knowing those crooked chemistry nerds won't be-" MEOW.
Dan looked down, only to see Mr Mumbles.
"Mr Mumbles, what are you doing out here? Did that imposter show up again. I swear, I'm going to pound his head....in..."
As Dan turned the corner to Casa Paradiso, he saw it. Several firetrucks scattered the area, smoke pouring from Dans apartment.
Rushing towards the firemen, Dan quickly asked "What happened? WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Some idiot left his stove on, nearly torched the entire apartment. Don't worry Citizen, saved every other room."
Dan stood there, staring at his burned out apartment.
"COOOOOOOKKKKIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!"
My first attempt at a proper Dan fic since 2015. This is actually a remake of a short 1200 word Dan fic I wrote in 2015 under the same name, although that version was not NEARLY as good though. Hope this is okay, I'm alittle out of practice. Glad to be the first to write a fanfic for the site though(The LOSE one was a repost, didn't count). So, with that down, please enjoy.
Dan is in his room, wearing a chef hat, attempting to make breakfast. A large oozey mass appears to be on his stove.
Dan examined his cook book closely. "Hmm, 'Use two cups ricotta cheese, one cup...Ugh, ricotta cheese!?! Who does it think I am, a
Rockefeller?" Dan yelled to himself about his lack of quality ingredients. "Eh, I'm sure cream cheese will work. Ok, next, 'One cup anchovy
extra-WHAT EVEN IS THAT, ach-, COUGH, COUGH, CO-CO COUGH!" Dan's rambling was cut off by a sudden violent coughing fit.
"What the- cough cough - what is this?" Dan said, fumbling to open the door. Stumbling outside, he quickly saw the source of the problem.\
A large truck, spraying pesticide on one of the few real trees in the area, creating a large cloud.
"EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT YOU'RE RUINING MY BREAKFAST!" Dan screamed, quickly stumbling down the stairs.
The worker turned to the noise, noticing Dan. "Oh, hello sir. Bet you're glad we can finally spray this area huh?"
Dan leaned towards him. "NO, I am NOT glad. 6 years of living here in peace, and NOW you decide to pollute the air?"
The worker smiled. "Yeah, budget didn't allow us to spray in, uh, low value areas, since we had to ship em in from Bernadino, but with, the
uhh, new factory, we can spray here now." He said, as he returned to spraying.
"Three things. First, there's like, THREE trees here. Two, what do you mean LOW VALUE? ARE YOU INSULTING ME CASA!?!?"
"No sir I am not." The worker mumbled before spraying.
"And third......what new factory?"
The worker paused for a moment. "The Azinder Chemical Combine, opened on the other side of town last month. Real cheap pesticide."
Dan stammered. "I don't CARE how cheap they are, tell them to stop spraying near my house, or else!"
The worker shrugged. "Sorry, not much I can do sir." before getting in his truck to leave. As he did so, he accidentally rammed into Dan's
Car, knocking off the bumper.
"NO, MY CAR!" Dan shouted at the sky as the sprayer drove off. Walking to his car, he observed the broken bumper, and seithed with rage.
"Grrrr..........FACTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
DAN VS. THE FACTORY!
Chris and Elise are chatting.
"I just feel like meatloaf has a certain, appeal to it that burgers just can't ma-"
"CHRRRRIIIIIIIIIS! I HAVE BEEN WRONGED!"
Chris sighed, looking out the window. Dan was shouting and screaming.
"Oh boy, what is it this time." Chris sighed, getting off the couch. Quickly turning back to Elise though, he briefly spoke "I meant what
I said, meatloaf is unmatched, I-"
"CHRIS! COME ON!"
"-I gotta go Elise. Sorry."
As Chris walked away, Elises watch suddenly beeped.
"Whew, didn't think he would leave. Dancing Shadow, we've noticed some odd trucks coming out of the Azinder Chemical Plant" said the voice
on the watch. "We need you to investigate this potential threat. Use force if required, but keep stealthy, we don't want excess attention."
"Rodger, I can get in." Elise replied, quickly exiting out the back, pausing for a sec. "Wait, how did you know the exact second my husband
left the room?"
"........Classified."
"What is it this time Dan?" Chris said, slightly dispossessed. "We are going to DESTROY Azinder Chemical Combine. They're polluting the air
and ruining my breakfast. Also they damaged my car."
"Dan, they're going to bring new jobs, new employment, look at the recession we're in, we NEED the jobs. You have to admit, this area's
seen better times."
As Chris says this, they drive past an abandoned building. Several gangs are having a shootout, and a man is selling crack in an alley.
"I will admit, there may have been a slight decline in living quality." Dan grumbled. "BUT WHO'S FAULT DO YOU THINK THAT IS? THEIRS!"
Dan screamed, waving his fingers at the chimneys of the plant. "Every was fine yesterday Chris, and look at them! So smug, sitting in their
offices, stroking their cats, sipping their drinks, probably plotting schemes as we speak!"
"Mayyybeee.....Or maybe, they're just like most companies, trying to earn a profit." Chris replied, with a sarcastic tone.
Dan grumbled. "Yeah, suuuuuurre."
As they pulled up to the gate, Dan rolled down the window. A man, wearing a plant uniform, sat at the gate, waving.
"Welcome to Azinder Chemical Combine, do you have a permit to enter the production bay?"
"No, and I won't, because there WON'T BE A PRODUCTION BAY, WHEN I FINISH GETTING MY SWEET VENGEANCE ON YOUR CROOKED CORPORATION!!!"
The man blinked, twitched, and quickly grabbed a walkie talkie.
"SECURITY, WE GOT A SABOTEUR IN SECTOR 12! CODE JERK!"
Dan jumped at the man, striking his head on the glass(cracking it slightly) "ARRGGGH! CHRIS, DESTROY THIS PEON! QUICKLY!"
Chris sighed. "Dan, I'm not going to assault an innocent guard, not again. What will Elise-"
"FORGOT ABOUT THAT BROAD!" Dan screamed, as a security force approached. "HE'S NOT INNOCENT, HE'S IN ON IT, WE HAVE TO STOP THEM, WE-AGH!"
Dan stopped, as the guard tazed him. "I'm not with him." Chris quickly stammered out. The security force, satisfied, walked off.
Stumbling to his feet, Dan screamed. "I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET, AZINDER! NOT YET!"
Elise drove up to the facility. Approaching the gate, the man(quickly checking to make sure she wasn't Dan) waved her down.
"Welcome to Azinder Chemical Combine, do you-"
"Skip the speech small fry." Elise shouted, shoving her security card in his face.
Looking at the odd card, the guard scoffed."Yeah, sure, there's no way this-" TWING. The card checked turned green, indicating it was valid,
and she was free to go in. ".....huh." He mumbled in disbelief. "Well, go in I guess Ms." Elise yanked the card out of his hands, before
smugly replying. "Gee, thaaaannks." And then driving in.
"Thank you universal key card." Elise whispered to herself, before turning a corner.
Dan and Chris are on a nearby road, Dan is staring out the window.
"Watch for weaknesses Chris. They obviously have their finest at the gate so we'll have to find another way in."
Chris looked toward the huge compound. "I dunno Dan..." Chris stated, pausing for a second to think. "Wait, if they just opened, the fence
is probably brand new, there wouldn't be any holes."
Dan stammered. "Grrr, I HATE IT when you make sense. They've thought of everything, those, those pathetic pesticide prowlers! But, you know
what they say, the newer they are, the harder they fall."
"I don't think that's a saying Dan." Chris said monotonely.
"Grr....stupid. Anyway, this looks like a good spot,. ram the car into the fence here, then get out and light something on fire."
Chris froze in shock, before quickly looking over to Dan. "Dan, I didn't agree to smash through the fence, I just got this car fixed."
Dan groaned. "Ugh, that's what you ALWAYS say. And you shouldn't have damaged your car in the first place."
"That was YOU Dan!"
"Details, details, all mere speculation." Dan replied, a dismissive tone in his voice.
Chris looked forward. "Plus that's an electric fence, I don't want to get electrocuted Dan."
Sighing, Dan replied "Oh please, you're well insulated, at worst your heart will stop, and, let's be honest, that was going to happen sooner
or later anyway with the amount of bacon you shove in your face, so when you think about it, really you're just going to-"
"I am NOT getting electrocuted Dan." Chris said sternly, before putting his eyes back on the road.
Dan growled loudly, appearing as though he was about to attack Chris, before suddenly calming down.
"Fine. I got a better idea. Take me to your house."
Chris, confused as to the intent, asked "Why, exactly?"
"I need your bed sheets."
Elise, now in the outer vehicles area near the production bay, was attempting to find evidence of suspicious practice.
Pulling up her watch, she contacted her supervisor.
"This is Agent Dancing Shadow, the loading bay looks clear, nothing in the trucks is off, entering the production bay now."
"Copy Dancing Shadow, and remember, avoid unnecessary attention.
Elise stood to the side of the door, preparing to enter. Stepping in, she suddenly found herself surrounded by dozens of workers.
"Hey, I don't recognize you, you new here?"
Elise quickly replied. "YES, YES, I am new here, yes." Several of the other workers chuckled. "Come on new girl, orientation is this way."
"I uh, but I-" Elise sighed. This wasn't going to be as easy as she thought
"Why exactly do you need our bed sheets Dan. Elise will kill me if we get them dirty."
Dan struggles to pull the sheets off the bed, turning towards Chris "It's for a good cause. We need disguises!"
Chris laughed. "So, we're going to use my sheets. What, are we going to be the ghosts of Christmas past and future."
"Close, but no." Dan said, pulling out Scissors and cutting into the sheets.
Chris's eyes bulged, and he quickly jumped at Dan. "DAN, NO! Elise will kill me!"
"GET YOUR MEATY HANDS OFF ME, IT'S OUR DISGUISE!" Dan shouted as he struggled, tossing Chris to his side. "You can always buy new sheets,
now let me work, and prepare to be amazed.
30 MINUTES LATER
Dan is wearing his cobbled together outfit. The sleeves appear detached, the hat is only half done, obvious stich marks are everywhere,
and the entire thing is covered in staples.
"There, this should fool them."
Chris looked at the disguise, a slight grimace in his face from the loss of the sheets. "I'm not sure if that's going to hold."
Dan smirked, waving his hand at Chris. "Pssh, this stapling is second to-" suddenly, several staples popped off, all the stiches ripped,
and the outfit fell into pieces. "-none..." Dan said with a slight hint of discontent, pausing. "Well, that's what I get for trusting my
grandma's knitting lessions. What a jerk. Alright Chris, Plan-B, get your mugging shoes on."
"Oh boy" Chris stammered as he followed Dan out the door.
Elise sighed. She had been in orientation for nearly an hour. And a moment to slip away hadn't yet appeared.
"-And so, new recruits, that concludes-"
Elise gasped, finally ready to leave.
"-the first half of our orientation."
Groaning in disappointment, she looked at the door. Two workers blocked it. She could take them out easy, but there were too many witnesses.
Looking to her left, her face turned. Didn't she know that guy?
"Hey, don't I know you? Didn't you use to be a paramedic?"
The man sighed. "I was...until the..incident."
Elise paused. "What incide-"
"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT."
Elise put her face in her hands, groaning. She REALLY had to ask her boss about a vacation.
Two employees walked out of the factory bay. One short, one tall.
"I swear, one of these days you're going to have a coffee overdose Bayer."
"Screw you Vlad, atleast I actually work. Meanwhile, you're stuffing your face with donAHHHH!!!"
Suddenly, the two men were pulled into an alley. A few seconds later, Dan and Chris emerge, wearing their uniforms.
Knocking the dirt off his shirt, Dan looked to Chris. "Well, that went easier then expected. You've gotten much better at mugging over the
years."
Chris looked back at the unconscious man. "I'm not sure I want to get good at mugging." Dan waved his hand at Chris. "Oh please, it comes
naturally after the first few months. And look on the plus side, we got their ID cards, we can get in."
The guard, busy reading his paper, briefly looked up. Two workers, one short, one tall. Must be Vladislav and Bayer, back with Coffee and
Donuts, he thought to himself, before resuming his paper.
"Back already boys?" he asked, flipping the page. Chris, sweating nervously, quick replied, "Oh yes, we're back, indeed, us, normal."
"Hehehe, okay boys." the guard said, more interested in his paper then them. They both quickly checked their cards, and the guard opened
the gate, failing to look at their faces.
Dan and Chris continued forward, until Dan suddenly pulls Chris behind a corner. "They bought it. Ok, now, we get REVENGE!"
Finally, after two hours, Elise had finally gotten a chance to slip out when the two workers blocking the door had gone for a coffee break.
Quickly slipping into the production bay, she looked around. Everything seemed in order. Pipes carried in the intermediates from the back,
a large mixing tank in the centre, a large group of workers tending to things, and a conveyor belt carrying finished containers of pesticide
towards the loading bay. Nothing overly suspicious.
Using her universal card, Elise went into the back area, where the raw materials were held. Large tanks of Chlorine, Ammonia, and Phosgene
were visable. Examining more closely, however, Elise noticed a set of pipes that, instead of going into the production bay, appeared to go
downstairs.
"Well well well, what do we have here." Elise began checking a series of doors nearby, marked "Executives Only" until, at last, one of them
revealed a staircase.
"Jackpot." Elise whispered to herself as she descended.
Just as Elise left, Dan and Chris entered the back area.
"Jackpot." Dan said, staring at all the tanks. "This is where they keep the good stuff, we ruin the batch, their sales will plummet, they go
out of business, no more pesticide outside my house."
"I'm not sure if this is safe. The tank says "DO NOT MIX WITH WATER, MAY CAUSE RUNAWAY REACTION", and It's in yellow." Chris said, pointing
to the large yellow warning sign.
Dan scoffed, "Oh please that's just for the workers, all legal mumbo jumbo. Now, please hand me my pipe wrench."
"I didn't bring a pipe wrench."
Dan leaned forward. "What do you MEAN you didn't bring a pipe wrench? WHO DOESN'T BRING A PIPE WRENCH TO A CHEMICAL PLANT?" Shoving his hand
down his face, he sighed. "Fine, guard the tanks, I'll get one myself.
Moving down the stairwell, Elise turned a corner, only to(quite literally) bump into a guard.
In shock at her appearence, he quickly pulled out his pistol. "HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ME HERE!:
Before he could fire, Elise ducked down, delivering a side kick that sent the guard rolling down the stairs. "OW, OH, OOCH, OW, MY LEG, AH!"
As he rolled to the bottom of the stairs, knocked out, Elise smiled.
"Still got it." she said to herself, as she quietly open the door to peak into the underground room.
Elise gasped at what she saw. The pipes lead into a large pressing machine, out of which came several artillery shells. A small group of
workers, dressed in black garb and armed with rifles, stuck tips on the shells, as they moved towards a large truck. There appeared to be
a tunnel for the truck to use.
This wasn't mere tax evasion. This was a covert chemical weapons plant.
Deploying a listening device and setting it to record, Elise quickly picked up their radio frequency, listening in to the conversation.
"We got an order, 1000 phosgene shells heading to Syria."
"Some rich guy on the line wants sarin."
"How is our Russian friend doing, Mr. Azinder?"
Having heard enough, Elise pulled out her watch to contact eagles nest.
"Eagles Nest, this is Dancing Shadow. I've got a confirmed CW plant here, sending the info your way."
"Copy Dancing Shadow, we're sending in a Special Ops team to deal with it. Exit the facility at once."
"Rodger that, Dancing Shadow out."
Unfortunately, one of the workers nearby had a keen ear, and saw the door ajar. Pulling it open, he exposed Elises location.
"HEY, SOMEONES IN HERE!"
Suddenly, every other Black Garb worker turned, and pulled out their rifles.
"WE GOT AN INTRUDER, SECTOR 1-ALPHA!"
"DON'T LET HER ESCAPE"
Suddenly, a dozen sniper dots were on Elise's face.
"Crap." She said to herself, knowing this wasn't going to be clean, or quiet.
Dan moved from pipe to pipe, messing with various valves. Having finally found a monkey wrench, he began his master plan.
Chris, looking at all the pipes, had a look of concern on his face. "You DO know what you're doing, right Dan?"
Dan scoffed, as his hooked up a fire house to one of the valves. "Of COURSE I do. We're ruining all their precious, precious chemicals, so
they stop spraying them, and stop ruining my car. Everyone wins." Dan said, before lighting a waste paper basket on fire.
Chris, jittering his fingers, stuttered out "I, I know that part Dan, I mean, are you sure you're not going to blow us up, or turn us into
mutants or something."
Dan sighed nonchalantly. "Eh, probably not, I took a chemistry class in high school, ya know?"
Chris gave a brief sigh of relief, before Dan continued "Heh, I still remember burning it down."
"YOU WHAT?"
"Don't worry, I didn't pay attention to anything that didn't involve explosions."
"Then how do you know what you're doing right now."
Dan, getting angry, retorted "I fail to see how that has anything to do with the current situation. All I'm trying to do is preform a little
sabotage, and here you are, critiquing my education. You should really be less judgemental to others."
"I WASN'T....ugh...okay Dan." Chris said, giving up on the argument.
The two stood there for several seconds, waiting for something to happen.
"So....Chris, what are you having for dinner tonight?"
Chris turned to Dan. "Well, I wanted meatloaf, but Elise says I need variety."
"That's why I told you to dump her, but you didn't lis-"
RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE.
The chemical tank next to them began to shake violently. Dan and Chris began to slowly walk back.
"Uh oh....I MAY have screwed up my math."
"We should run." Chris said in fear as he backed away.
"YA THINK!?!" Dan responded, already having turn and ran. Chris quickly followed behind him.
SNAP.
The neck of the last guard was quickly snapped.
Taking out a room of armed workers wasn't quite as easy as she had thought, but she had managed.
"Now then, to deal with Mr. Azinder." Elise said to herself, walking to a nearby elevator(pushing a few corpses out of the way as she went)
and, using her universal card, setting the elevator to go to the top floor, Azinder's Penthouse.
PING The elevator door opened, and, stepping inside, Elise waited.
Reaching the top, she entered the board room.
Azinder sat alone in his chair, watching the monitors to the secret lab. Slowly turning his chair around, and taking a sip from his glass
of absinthe, he calmly spoke. "So, I assume the governments sent you to shut down my little operation, that right?" he said, before downing
his drink.
Elise smirked. "You're going to have a fun stay in Guantanamo Bay. I suggest you pray for mercy."
"Heheheha, I beg to differ." he spoke coldly, before a large group of guards burst in. "Rule #1. I ALWAYS have a backup plan." he shouted
with pride, grabbing another bottle.
Elise simply smiled. "So do I."
Suddenly, the rattling of helicopter blades could be heard. Several Special OPs soldiers burst through the large window. A
"NOBODY MOVE!"
"HANDS IN THE AIR"
A fury of bullets from both sides rang out, until all of Azinders guard was dead.
Two of the soldiers grabbed Azinder, before rappling out the window, and back into the helicopter.
Another one approached Elise. "Dancing Shadow, good job. This-"
RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE.
A large rumbling shook the area.
Elises pupils shrunk. "Oh No." she quickly shoved the solider away before moving towards the window and climbing into the helicopter.
"THE PLACE IS GOING TO BLOW, EVERYONE MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!!!!"
Dan and Chris had finally cleared the gate, passing the gate guard(still too ingrossed in his newspaper to hear the alarms) and hopping into
Chris's car, and driving away.
Chris, hunched over and trying to drive, spoke to Dan. "Well, now, we're domestic TERRORISTS. Happy Dan?"
He scoffed. "Oh please, one leaky tank does not a terrorist make."
Just as he said that, a series of large explosions rocked the combine. Turning back to look, the duo watched as the chimney collapsed, the
main building burst into flames in a series of chain explosions, and several huge plumes of green and purple gas rose from the area.
"Hmm, that might though" Dan stated monotonely, as they slowly drove away.
Having been dropped off by Chris, Dan slowly walked towards his apartment.
"Finally, I can sleep in peace knowing those crooked chemistry nerds won't be-" MEOW.
Dan looked down, only to see Mr Mumbles.
"Mr Mumbles, what are you doing out here? Did that imposter show up again. I swear, I'm going to pound his head....in..."
As Dan turned the corner to Casa Paradiso, he saw it. Several firetrucks scattered the area, smoke pouring from Dans apartment.
Rushing towards the firemen, Dan quickly asked "What happened? WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Some idiot left his stove on, nearly torched the entire apartment. Don't worry Citizen, saved every other room."
Dan stood there, staring at his burned out apartment.
"COOOOOOOKKKKIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!"
